The Empty Nest

It started out innocently enough. I was 20 years old with an unmistakable urge to have a baby. I had married the love of my life just a few months before and moved to Germany to live as a military wife. I found myself far away from family and familiar places and surrounded by other young military couples and families. All with young children and babies – and more babies on the way. This, no doubt, propelled me into motherhood sooner than I might have been otherwise.

It was really all working out how I wanted it to, anyway. My dream as a newly minted young adult was to get married and have a couple of babies. So, it all seemed very natural and the way it was supposed to be.

Of course, as a lot of young mothers, I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. The pain of childbirth is literally the easiest part. The tiny little human boy that came home with me from the hospital immediately took over my heart and soul. All he did was sleep and eat at first. I spent a lot of time just looking at him. I thought how in the world did I get the most perfect baby? Then the lack of sleep started to take over. I worried for months about how I was going to get this little bundle of cuteness to sleep through the night! I finally had to let him cry it out, and that was that.

Fast forward a couple of years and there was another little tiny human boy in the mix. Even though I had some experience now, I was still a very young adult with very little life experience. So, another baby was included as no big deal. Been there, done that. However, this one had the most exciting habit of crying every night for hours – otherwise known as colic. Life was certainly not “no big deal.” Since my husband was preparing to exit the military, we were staying at my parent’s house during this time. And my mother did what mothers do – she would take turns rocking the screaming baby at night, then get up and go to her full-time day job.

The handful of years that I had two babies/toddlers seemed longer at the time than they do in retrospect. Those were the days of very little adult conversation and the time period where my sense of identity was fully immersed into my children. I no longer was a young woman trying to figure out her life. I was mommy. Period.

The years through childhood, pre-teen, and teenager start to run together. The school supply shopping, keeping them in jeans and shoes, and managing their after-school snacks seemed like it would go on forever. Oh, there is a lot more to the story than just those things. But they were all every day, normal happenings in the lives of two growing boys. Some moments or days seemed extra hard or extra exciting at the time, but hind-sight has mellowed it all out into a pretty even keeled life.

One day I turned around and my boys were grown and gone.  Overnight, I was 43 with no kids in their bedrooms to check on. I could turn the lights off in their old bedrooms, but there was no switch to turn off my motherhood. How does that happen? And why is there no way to prepare for this?

Seven years later I am still asking these questions. I have still not found the switch for motherhood. I’m pretty sure there isn’t one. I still don’t feel prepared for the emptiness of my little nest. I miss my boys so deeply I can’t really truly express it. Now there are daughters-in-law and grandkids that I’m missing.

I am coming to this conclusion. As a mother I will always be thinking about my children and their families. They are my heart. Yes, I need to reclaim my “identity” in one sense, but in another I don’t want to change who I am. I am a mother; a blessed, proud mother of two beautiful adult men who have given me two beautiful daughters - and the cherry on top grandbabies. Yes, I cry because I miss them, but they are just tears of a mother’s love. My nest is empty, but my heart is fuller than ever.

Don't Be a Grasshopper

Numbers 13:33
21st Century King James Version

And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, who come of the giants. And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.”

The setting of this scripture is in the Old Testament story of some men of Israel taking a peek into Canaan to see what the lay of the land was.  The majority of them had this reaction to what appeared to be giants.

What strikes me here, is that the sentiment sounds so familiar.  As humans we tend to project our insecurities and assume what we think of ourselves is what others think of us.  Clearly, these men of Israel had this problem.  They saw themselves as small as grasshoppers compared to the sons of Anak, so they assumed that's what they looked like to these giant people.  

I see a couple of issues; they projected their own insecurities, and they forgot who they were. 

There are various reasons why one might have an insecurity or two (or more), we all have broken places, whether it be from traumas, life circumstances, or even our own actions or sins.  Regardless of the reasons, we can use these things against ourselves, feel bad about ourselves, and then try to hand them to other people to let them use them against us (aka projection).

Who were these men, anyway?  Were they not men of Israel?  God's chosen people?  Had God not already rescued them?  Had God not already set them free?  Had God not already provided everything they needed?  They let their insecurities blind them to who they actually were!

So, for you and me today - do we know who we are?  Are we letting our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity come between us and the God of our salvation?  Are we worried about how we might look to giants in our own lives?  

I propose we take a minute to remember who we are, who He is, and what He has already done.  The Children of Israel took a little more than a minute to figure this out, but Jesus says we can come to Him, we can find peace and rest in Him.  He does not see us as we see ourselves.  He sees chosen, value, worth, son, daughter - can you let Him project onto you? 

Therein Lies Strength

Proverbs 29:23
The Message

²³ Pride lands you flat on your face;
    humility prepares you for honors.

Just a thought here today regarding pride and humility.  At a quick glance, someone who is exercising pride in their life can sometimes come across as someone we think of as having a "strong" personality.  While the humble can be mistaken for "weak." 

The interesting point I would like to make is that it is actually quite the opposite.  The proud are very weak, and the humble are very strong. 

For this very simple reason:  pride can be broken, but humility cannot - because it already is and therein lies its strength.

Apply the Love and Know God

1 Peter 4:8
Amplified Bible Classic

Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins (forgives and disregards the offenses of others)

This subject is a recurring one in my head.  Some days it seems easy, some days it's really, really hard.  But the conviction I feel in my own life has been building lately, and this morning it was not to be ignored. 

You see, I, like probably most of you, have been hurt, disappointed, offended, disrespected - you name it.  I have felt rejected - even when dishing out my own versions of love and acceptance of others.  I have felt ignored by family and friends.  I have felt unsupported by those that I (rightfully) expect it from.  And sometimes, maybe I am justified in my feelings.  While many times these offences are most likely not intentional, maybe sometimes they are. 

The struggle in my own head is a basic human nature one - whether or not someone deserves my love, my forgiveness.  

This is where the conviction comes in.  As the thoughts of these things floated around my head this morning, I knew that if I am not abiding by this scripture, then I am not a Christ follower.  The Bible says that God is love.  (1 John 4:7-8)  And it very clearly states that if I don't love, I don't know God. 

Then I think about the love and forgiveness I need from God.  And I think about how He provided that on the cross, bleeding, hurting, suffering - all while I was undeserving.  How then do I think love and forgiveness is going to be any easier for me? 

We can feel and be justified in our hurts and offenses, Jesus certainly was.  But if we are true followers of Him, we will submit our human nature and take on His - which is love.  It hurts.  But just like Jesus knew, we can know that there is joy in the end.  The peace we can experience when we follow His example is amazing.  

I'm a work in progress, sometimes it takes me a minute to get it right.  But with conviction, prayer and practice, the goal is to automatically apply the love and know God. 

About To Pass By

Mark 6:48-52
Contemporary English Version

He could see that the disciples were struggling hard, because they were rowing against the wind.  Not long before morning, Jesus came toward them.  He was walking on the water and was about to pass the boat.  When the disciples saw Jesus walking on the water, they thought he was a ghost, and they started screaming.  All of them saw him and were terrified.  But at the same time he said, "Don't worry!  I am Jesus.  Don't be afraid."  He then got into the boat with them, and the wind died down.  The disciples were completely confused.  Their minds were closed, and they could not understand the true meaning of the loaves of bread.

I was reading this passage of scripture this morning and I noticed something about this story that I hadn't seen before.  It says that Jesus was walking on the water and about to pass the boat.  But they noticed him and actually thought he was a ghost, which basically freaked them out - clearly they weren't expecting him, or looking for him.

He, of course, said it’s me, don’t be afraid.  He then got into the boat with them and calmed the wind.

It dawned on me that maybe in our own lives, Jesus is passing by and we don’t even notice.  Are we sometimes too distracted by our “storm” to see him?  Do we not expect him, or look for him?  Is it because we so easily forget all the times he has been there before?  I suspect we all have missed him when he was right there.

The Bible says they cried out, and I can only image that they were calling his name. Once they did this, Jesus came into their situation, and he calmed it.  I think we could apply that to our lives today, invite him into our situations, call his name - I think he waits on us.  Don’t let him pass by.

Past, Present, Future

Philippians 3:13-14
Easy-to-Read Version

Brothers and sisters, I know that I still have a long way to go. But there is one thing I do: I forget what is in the past and try as hard as I can to reach the goal before me. I keep running hard toward the finish line to get the prize that is mine because God has called me through Christ Jesus to life up there in heaven.

The Past.  We all have one.  And most of us spend a lifetime dealing with the "fall-out" of it.  The majority of us have things from our past that has hurt, traumatized, shamed or debilitated us in some way.  And we spend a lot of time trying to fix or cover it up.  This is what can make living in the present painful, and the thought of the future unbearable sometimes.

And unless you believe in time-travel, you will never be able to "fix" the past.  The things and experiences that happened before - already happened.  There's no changing them.  It is done.

However, this does not mean that there isn't a "fix."  It's just that the fix has to be applied to the present, which will automatically affect the future.  My belief is that the past should be dealt with and identified for what it is.  If there is a hurt or wound, however traumatic, the sooner it is identified as that, the better.

The past issues can be put into their place, to learn and grown from.  And once the place for "the past" has been identified, one can move on to the present.  It is possible to live triumphantly today.  As I read the scripture in Philippians, I see a choice, either live with regret and grief over the past, or reach for the goal before me.  I submit to the reader that they both take the same amount of energy - but take you to two completely different places.

The Past should be a limited part of our lives and put away.  Today can be lived free from the chains of it.  The future is still to be lived with the choice of direction.  Turn away from the past and choose your path towards the finish line.

P.S.  The author understands that this short post regarding the past may seem to minimize the path to the present and the future.  There is no minimizing trauma and wounds, nor the path through healing.  Healing from Jesus is the only way to fix how the past affects us.  And healing can be painful because of the growth that happens in the process.  But it is worth it. ♥

I Am Perfect

Matthew 5:48
KJV

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

I am perfect.  Yes, me.  The faulty, flawed, defective human that I am.  I am perfect.

I've spent the majority of my life trying so hard to be perfect, too.  And always feeling like a huge failure because, of course, just like most everyone else, I'm human.  Which means I have flaws and defects - real and perceived.  I look into my life and I see mistakes and wrong turns.  I look in the mirror and I see flaws.  How could I ever be perfect.

Having heard the scripture about being perfect like God is perfect, I have always felt like I was carrying around such a heavy load of hopelessness underneath my seemingly poor attempts at perfection.  Live like that for too long and you start feeling like maybe your walk with God is a façade.  Maybe everyone else has figured out how to be perfect while you do your best to "fake it 'til you make it." 

Well, not all that long ago, God used the little e-Sword app on my phone to speak to me about this perfection thing.  It was a simple tapping on the reference number next to the word perfect.  The original Greek word is teleios, which basically means complete.  Complete. 

Complete.  Let that sink in for a moment. 

It's almost like God was saying to me - don't worry, I just want to be your everything, and if I am, you are perfect...complete in Me.  That huge weight of hopelessness fell off my shoulders as my understanding became complete...perfect. 

In Colossians 2:10 it says that we are "complete in Him."  Interestingly enough, my e-Sword app says the word complete here also means perfect.  I need no further convincing of my own perfection.  I do know who I am in Jesus.  I am His and He is mine.  I am complete in Him.  I am perfect.